I’m starting to wonder if I made the right choice. Not about leaving, never that. No, if there’s one thing i know for certain it’s that I’m not going to live out the rest of my life on Akanephin V. It’s just, well, everything else.
That said, I’ve never been more at peace than in the last few weeks. Since I left I’ve come to know what that means, ‘peace’. The background noise of Akanephin V was so constant, so pervasive, that I barely even noticed it was there. I’ve drifted to sleep to the lullaby of distant machinery every night of my life, grown up on legends and horror stories about the silence of space. But now that I’m out here I know that I could never go back. It’s more than just wanderlust. I don’t feel any need to see the universe, I don’t want to spend my life on a ship, drifting from port to port. I just want to find somewhere… Better. Somewhere peaceful. Free from the overbearing weight of civilisation. From the white noise of consciousness, the thoughts and emotions that aren’t my own.
I always thought I was special, different somehow from everyone else. I knew I was destined for great things, that someday I’d leave Akanephin V and become a great hero. Anyone who tells you they didn’t dream of that is either lying or so starved of dreams and imagination they’re probably not worth talking to in the first place. But not everyone starts hearing and feeling other peoples thoughts and emotions. Not everyone’s dead father was a member of the legendary Jedi order.
I think she was afraid to lose me. She knew perfectly well that as soon as she told me I wouldn’t hesitate for a second before trying to follow in his footsteps, and then she’d lose me the way she did him. So she waited. Waited until the invisible voices and the emotional exhaustion drove me to the edge of insanity. Until i drove away everyone else i loved and lost my job in the manufactory.
Until she was too sick to leave.
Kaz, there’s something I need to… It’s about… I’m so sorry… Can you ever…?
I forgave her. She told me everything. How scared should be, how careful, how hidden and quiet, how invisible I should be. But she never asked me not to go- she knew I couldn’t lie to her, and she didn’t want to hear the truth.
I left the day after the funeral. I had a mission, a new purpose, and nothing would hold me back. I’d already hired a ship and a crew, sold our modest little housing unit, all her possessions and most of mine, and packed never to return. Leaving took no more thought than hailing a taxi to the spaceport.
But its been three weeks now, and I’m already doubting the choice of crew. In my line of work I’ve met all shades of scumbag, and this lot are the first to surprise me. They all seem so uncomplicated, so world wise and care free, but I’m not sure there’s a conscience among them. I’ve known people who would cut a man down for his speeder, probably too many for my own good, but there was something different about this. It was as though the whole affair was no more than a business transaction, his life for 1500 credits and a speeder. They didn’t hesitate or flinch, not one of them. How long before they decide that I’m worth more to them dead than alive? I’ve told them far too much about myself and what I’m looking for. If even a hint gets out about who I am I know there are people who will come looking for me. How much would #they# pay for news of the son of a Jedi? I don’t doubt my head is worth its weight in credits to the right people, and if the brigands I’m travelling with ever find that out I’ll be meeting my mother and father a lot sooner than I’d like.